The Word Wrangler

I think that one of the worst jobs a copywriter or advertising agency can get is from a client that sells underwear. I say that because every single commercial for underwear I’ve seen in the past ten years or so is total ass.

Take for example the recent ads Hanes is running that feature Cuba Gooding Jr. and Michael Jordan. The spot that really pisses me off is the one where Jordan leaves a new pack of underwear in Cuba’s dressing room with some kind of note telling him how comfortable they are.

Now, I don’t know about most men, but I’ve never gotten a pack of underpants from another guy, nor have I ever felt so good about my underwear that I was compelled to go out and buy a few packs for my friends.

I’m judging by commercials like this, and ones of guys playing dodge ball in their panties, that there simply isn’t a cool way to sell underwear to men. (Ads of chicks frolicking in their underpants are still a-ok.)

So, the Word Wrangler is going to give out a few tips to those in charge of selling underpants that will get a guy’s attention without being creepy.

1. I don’t need to see men in underwear to get that you’re selling underwear - even on the package. I don’t need to see a guy from the waist down with an obvious potato stuffed down his shorts. That image doesn’t get me excited about underwear, but rather just gets me hungry for potatoes.

2. Sell me on the benefits. Remember benefits, people? Those are the things about a product that are going to make my life easier. For instance: Tell me the absorption capacity of the underwear so I don’t have to worry about seepage onto my trousers when I miss those last few drops. Also, what’s the wash to wear ratio? How often can I wear a pair of underpants before I have to wash them. Not that I’ll need it, but being a guy, you just never know.

3. How about some new features? Okay, I enjoy the comfortable waistband and leg openings, but virtually every pair of underpants has that. How about an new innovation already. Like maybe a rear pouch to insert a scent pack for those awkward moments where farting is frowned upon. (I know, I can’t think of any situation that wouldn’t benefit from a good air monkey either, but you know how society is.) I’m thinking scents like peppermint, potpourri and chamomile would be nice.

Now I realize that not everything I just said is doable, or even practical. But I’m merely trying get those who market products to men to simply start thinking like men. Maybe then we’ll see an ad for Jockeys that boasts a new Teflon coating to reduce skid marks.

Yeah..that’d be cool.