The Word Wrangler

I responded to an ad from a marketing firm that was looking for a team of writers to provide services to their clients. Naturally my experience, testimonials and resumé put me on the short list to join the team. The only thing left to do was to complete a short, e-mail interview.It started off well enough with questions about rates, turnaround times for various projects and in what areas I felt most comfortable working. You know, legitimate questions that pertain to the job being offered.

Then came the questions that nearly every interviewer asks - the Make Me Feel Good questions.

These questions are designed to illicit a specific response regardless of the truth. In essence, the interviewer expects a certain answer and you have to give it to him. Questions like: “Have you ever thought about stealing something?” Or, “Have you ever been mad at a co-worker, and if so, how did you handle it.” (Note: admitting that you brought a realistic looking toy pistol to work and flashed it to him in the men’s room apparently is NOT the answer the interviewer looking for.)

My interview took its turn for the worse with one such question: “Is the customer always right?”

Everyone knows that the true answer is no - even the interviewer. But those people who truly want the job must answer this question with a yes in order to be considered for the position regardless of their experience, work ethic or references.

Now I understand the nature of questions like this. By giving the answers you’re expected to give shows that you’re a team player, and one who’s willing to submit to authority. I also understand that this particular question is meant to show that you’re willing to please the customer even if you disagree with their request, which is really how the question should be worded considering the reality of business. I gather most of you do what you can to appease your clients regardless of how wrong they may be.

I pointed this out in my answer along with the fact that one shouldn’t apply terms like always and never when it comes to things in the known universe.

The next question that gave me trouble was more speculative.

“If I was a client, and hired you, what kind of experience would I have?”

Are you serious? Why not ask me something easier like what tomorrow’s lottery numbers will be. How am I supposed to speak with intelligence as to what your INDIVIDUAL experience might be? My answer was along those lines.

The proper answer to a question like this is, again, a verbal placebo. “Why, you’ll have a wonderful experience. You’ll have one - maybe two - orgasms without the messy cleanup afterwards.” (Okay, maybe you should drop that last part if YOU hope to get the job.)

The last question that caused me great mental anguish is what I call a “Duh” question.

“If I hired you for a project, what type of product would I get?”

I admit I really had a tough time answering this one. And I thank God that it wasn’t a face-to-face interview and I had the benefit of time to ponder the answer. I’ve been through tons of interviews in my life and I know what answers I’m supposed to give because I know what interviewers want to hear. True, I have a 135 IQ, but this one stumped me.

I came up with something along the lines of:

Uh…well, if you hired me for a 500 word article, then I guess you’d get a 500 word article. Duh!

I mean, really, have you ever hired someone to write you a sales letter only to have them deliver an iPod, Mr. Interviewer? Hmm?

I should point out that I didn’t expect to get the job (I didn’t.) I knew I was sabotaging myself by being just a tad over the line of smart ass in my answers. But I did it for you, and for everyone else who’s wanted to speak their minds, but couldn’t because they needed the money.

No need to thank me. You can show your appreciation by sending donations to me for all the money I just lost.